There was a funeral today in Paris for someone I went to grad school with. He was resident at Henry Wood House my first year in London, and I would often greet the day while listening to his early morning Verdi baritone warm-ups a few doors down. I knew him as a nice guy with an amazing voice. His wife was an accomplished singer as well. At the age of 45, he also left behind three younger children.
Learning about his passing, focuses a light on my current struggles centered around striving for the acceptance of what is now. At a certain point, I've realized that all those dreams of a career will
never come true as I had once imagined, the visions that drove me on a quest
ultimately led somewhere other than where I had imagined.
At the same time, I would not change that journey for anything. As much as I miss what was lost, what I
gave away at the beginning without realizing its true value, I now cherish
new things. I have a partner, a husband
whom I love dearly. I have a faithful, wonderful, loving dog, a prickly yet
endearing cat. There are many that I
consider dear and treasured friends, despite the distance of oceans, borders
and time zones. I have circled back to conducting, and
although I’ve discovered its nature to be other than what I thought in my
younger days, I find that I do enjoy it. Though I never would have chosen to stay in this geographical location so long, it has enabled me to watch and enjoy the musical development of many piano students. Like watching flowers bloom, it is a slow but sometimes astonishingly beautiful process.
And I have sung. From a distance, I look back and think that I
did do some things, and many of them were fulfilling. Where I live now, there is not much work and
it has become clear that what I have to offer as a singer is not welcomed in most situations available here. And now that I am not
aiming to impress others to gain their favor for work or Career, I
find that my music making is freed. I gave
a recital in August that I have always dreamed of giving. And for once, I felt in the moment almost the
entire way without my personal garbage muddying the waters. Now I am working on French Lied (Poulenc and
Debussy) and arias. I do know what I could 'do' with this repertoire, but maybe the point for me will continue to be the process rather than the outcome.
